Say NO to Situationships!

“We’re not together but we ain’t talkin to nobody else but each other.”

“What’s understood doesn’t need to be explained.”

That’s just my friend…”

These words my friends, are the basic recipe for what we know to be; a SITUATIONSHIP.

img_5162.pngWhen I saw this meme on Instagram a few months ago I wanted to know WHOOOO to pass the offering plate to! What has happened to the overall state of Love within our generation? The short answer to this question is that we fail to set standards and boundaries, and fail even more at sticking to them. The total answer is that our generation is pulling farther and farther away from the Greatest Love of All. As I said in my intro, I’m going to share things publicly that I’ve never shared with people on this scale before. My friends know my stories and some of the people that I have mentored or counseled know but in a moment of transparency…Hi…my name is Lynn and I used to live in a constant state of “Situationship” with guys. In all of my 27 1/2 years of life, I’ve only had 3 real relationships but situationships…oh I know them all too well. Here is the one that took the biggest tole on me…


I officially met this guy during my sophomore year at NCCU. And for the sake of storytelling let’s just call him “Shawn.” My old suite mate told me that Shawn would ask her about me quite often however at the time I was just getting over a guy that had just ended a situationship with me and I wasn’t ready to get into another one. Nevertheless, Shawn pursued me anyway. He was fine y’all…looked good…smelled good…nice football build…AND he knew Christ! In my mind I thought that I’d hit the jackpot but unfortunately my little heart just wasn’t ready to receive him. I tried but after a few weeks of feeling as though I was leading him on, I called him and told him how I felt. He told me that he respected me for being honest and hoped that we could be friends. I told him that I would like that. Several months passed by and I ran into Shawn again in the Student Union. By then he looked even better than before and I was over ole dude so when he asked me for my number again I was excited to give it to him. This conversation lead to many, many more. We spent countless hours together over the summer… messaged each other throughout the day…he was SUPER sweet to me. This lead to not 1…not 2…but 3 whole years of an on-again, off-again situationship that took me spiraling down a dark and lonely hole. I turned down offers from some very eligible bachelors, made it my mission to cover him in prayer every single morning, never missed a birthday…I was so in tune with this guy that I could actually FEEL when he was going through something even if I hadn’t talked to him in weeks. I was ALL in! I missed so many red flags with Shawn though. God was trying to protect me from getting hurt but I chose to be in his Permissive Will and not his PERFECT Will for my life (check out these verses on Free Will= James 1:13-15John 7:17Proverbs 14:12). I chose to ignore the signs because I mean…c’mon…this was MY MAN…sorta…kinda…on most weekends :/. He would go days, weeks, and even months without calling me or spending time with me but I was 100% committed to this guy…a guy who never once promised that he was or even wanted to be committed to me in return. 

He said things like, “I don’t want to be in a relationship but if I did…you would be the prototype” (Translation= I want somebody LIKE you…just not YOU); “You’re my lil mama…you always come through for me” (Translation= You always take care of The Kid and I don’t even owe you anything in return); “I want to spend time with you but my schedule is so packed tomorrow and I have to get up really early” (Translation= I’m just not trying to see you). So in order to not lose him completely, I MADE his treatment of me okay in my mind. I made myself believe that a fraction of him was enough to fulfill me. I made myself believe that I was better off with his occasional affections than being completely alone (which I felt the entire time anyway). I made myself believe that I was completely fine with our situation-ship. Everything finally came to head when I logged on to Facebook one day and saw pictures with him and his new girlfriend (I had just talked to him a few days prior to that) in his new apartment that I had never been invited to. When I questioned him about it he brushed me off as though we were “just friends.” He even wanted to introduce me to the woman that he intended to marry and asked me to sing at their wedding…. 

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That was enough for me. I had finally come to the realization that he did NOT respect me, love me, or much less care about my feelings…not even as a friend. I could go on and on about how horrible of a guy he was but to be honest he wasn’t a horrible guy…he wasn’t even horrible to me…I just chose to ignore the signs and willingly committed myself to being in a relationship ALONE. I should have let him go the year that he told me that I was “the prototype” (yes-2 more years passed by before the singing engagement offer).  

Now let’s be clear…I DEFINITELY WANTED A COMMITMENT from him and all of the guys that followed. I had situationships with them all but I never REQUIRED them to commit to me. I was too afraid to assert my desire for commitment for the fear of losing them altogether, and ended up alone anyway. I had no boundaries and didn’t adhere to my own standards (check out 1 John 2:16). Truthfully…the root of my problem was much deeper than the men themselves. Ultimately, my choice to be in situationship after situationship was really because I didn’t understand God’s love for me.  I didn’t really love myself, even though I tried to paint the picture that I did, and I was afraid of being rejected. I knew that I deserved better but I didn’t BELIEVE that I deserved better. When you try to find your identity in everything but Christ you start to realize that you’re really broken without Him and therefore you make broken decisions. Let’s talk about how to avoid getting into Situationships:

  1. Ask God FIRST– When you were a kid, didn’t you ask your parent’s permission to do certain things before you did them? God requires this of us as well. Just like our natural parents, God can already see if the situation will lead to destruction or not. To the fleshy mind (this was me at that time) even though praying is an easy task, it’s the hardest thing that you’ll ever do because you don’t want to hear God say no. But seeking God, actually waiting for a response, and paying attention to the signs that He gives us would totally end situationships altogether. He wants the best for us. It’s when we try to do things on our own that our lives begin to fall a part. (Proverbs 14:12We must accept that He knows what’s best for us and trust that if He closes a door or makes a way of escape that we must allow it to be so. God will show you if this guy is the right guy for you to get close to or not. He wants the best for His children…especially His daughters  (Matthew 7:11)

  2. Set Boundaries– This is a concept that I JUST learned and really embraced about a week ago…no kidding. I always knew what boundaries were and I thought that I had some but they were pretty loose. The one boundary that I did have (and still do) was that I wouldn’t have sex before marriage. I said that and I meant it but at that particular time I found myself in some very uncompromising situations that could have led to me breaking my one and only boundary. I didn’t really have clear boundaries within my boundaries at that time. Thankfully, I haven’t been in any uncompromising situations in over 5 years (glory be to God!) but I still didn’t really have clear boundaries set until last week. Thanks to my Pinky Promise Sister, Heather Lindsey I finally decided to get my life and set some! (check her out…her ministry is AWESOME and it saved my life! (HEATHER LINDSEY’S YOUTUBE CHANNEL). Boundaries are essentially your “STOP” and “WARNING” signs for ALL relationships; both for friendships and romantic relationships. (Check out this video on Setting Boundaries) They help you to exercise self-control (check out this scripture on self-control Titus 2:12). Setting Boundaries such as: no sex before marriage, at what point in the “getting to know you stage” do you require a guy to assert his intentions, no talking to your boo on the phone after a certain time, no “sleepovers”,  no Netflix & Chill, etc.; will help you to not only keep yourself from sinning against God, but they will lessen the chances of you getting your feelings hurt. The guy will either respect your boundaries or he’ll leave.

  3. Have Standards…AND STICK TO THEM- How are Standards different from Boundaries? Boundaries serve as a “wall” while Standards serve as a “gate.” Standards say who can or can’t come into your life. I used to have a LONG list of standards and when I met a guy that I liked I didn’t compare him to my standards at all. I pretty much accepted whoever came closest and dealt with the consequences of my decisions later. TBH…I didn’t even meet some of my own standards. This was a direct reflection of what I thought I deserved…but NOT anymore! Before you can ever set standards you must first understand your worth. The Bible is intricately laced with words of love on just how valuable The Lord thinks we are. If He says it then it’s enough for you to believe it (Psalm 139:14Proverbs 31:10Song of Solomon 4:7). After you discover your awesomeness, be realistic with the standards you set. Something along the lines of: he must have a strong relationship with Christ, he must be faithful, must be honest, must have a job, etc. These are just a few things to get your thoughts moving. But setting standards such as, “he must have perfect credit,” when you know that Sallie Mae calls you 3 times a day…let’s just be realistic sis lol.

  4. Don’t Be Afraid of the “Timestamp”- I’ll keep this one short and sweet: HOW LONG IS TOO LONG BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO CUT A GUY OFF? I’m all for the “getting to know you” phase of a relationship…in fact…I think it is NECESSARY. However (comma) does it really take 2 years for a guy, or even you, to decide if this is a relationship worth pursuing and committing to? NO…it doesn’t. What is your overall purpose in even being around this guy? Commitment is NOT a curse! In fact, let’s look at it from this perspective: if the purpose of courting is to eventually lead to marriage, and earthly marriage is a direct reflection of Christ’s marriage to the Church, and we are the Bride of Christ, and we should treat Christ the way in which a wife would treat her husband, then wouldn’t commitment be required within said relationship? This my friends…is what we call dating with a purpose aka “Courting” (check out this video on Courting vs. Dating). I’m not telling you to actually set a date and give an ultimatum on when your guy should commit, but what I am saying is to be wise and trust your gut (i.e. the Holy Spirit). You can feel when a guy is really working towards something with you and when he’s keeping you at an arm’s length.

  5. Remember That You Are The HuntED…not the HuntER- We’ve all heard the scripture before, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. (Proverbs 18:22)” but so often we skip over the HE that finds part and try to go and get HIM for ourselves…you’re out of order sis. Several times throughout the Bible we see clear examples where women were pursued. In Genesis 2 we hear this account, “Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him. (Genesis 2:18)…”So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. (Genesis 2:21-23) Eve was taken out of Adam FOR Adam. Sis…YOU are the prize! Or even further down in Genesis,  Jacob goes the distance to have his lady, “Jacob loved Rachel. And he said, “I will serve you seven years for your younger daughter Rachel.” – (Genesis 29:18) He did whatever it took to have the woman that he desired. If you read the rest of the story, you’ll see that Rachel’s father got Jacob drunk and tricked him into marrying her older, less attractive sister Leah but that didn’t deter Jacob. He worked ANOTHER 7 years to have Rachel because that was the one that he truly wanted. You see my sisters…the women of the Bible didn’t have to run after men to get them or to keep them, and we don’t have to chase after men either. You are literally God’s Gift to Man! If you have to beg a guy to stay with you, or dress provocatively to get his attention, or give your body to him in hopes that he’ll be faithful to you then you’re with the wrong guy. The right man will love and cherish you, honor and respect you, and he’ll push you closer to Christ. Never settle!

 

I pray that this post brings glory to God and brings you into the knowledge of knowing just how AMAZING you are! God has someone special for you and you won’t have to take a fraction of him…he’ll commit himself completely to you. Say NO to Situationships and YES to loving YOU!

The blessings of the Lord makes one rich, And He adds no sorrow with it. – Proverbs 10:22

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42 thoughts on “Say NO to Situationships!

  1. Listen, listen, listen, when I tell you God gave you the courage to write this it is because IIIIIII needed to read every word. If this isnt exactly, precisely, absolutely on point?? I KNOW you and I arent the only ones. God Bless you and Thank you for sharing. You know what smacked me in the face? “What is understood doesnt need to be explained”. When I tell you he used those EXACT words and I actually felt comforted, like we had our own little connection because he told me that? Smh, what a fool I was. I needed this wake up call. Bless you, sis. Thank you for the reminder. We are and deserve more than enough.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. To God be he glory! Thank you for sharing and for also being open. There are millions of women in this situation searching for a way out. We just have to hold each other accountable. Don’t think of yourself as a fool…that was a growing period for you…now your standards and boundaries are set and you won’t repeat the same mistakes. Be encouraged sis!💜

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  2. Lynn,
    This just really blessed me! I am sharing with all of my single friends 🙂
    Thank God for your transparency and willingness to share with the world! I pray God will do the impossible for you girl !!!
    Love ya

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey Lynn! I just read this and I must say I am so proud of you! I love how well researched this is and how much courage this tool to write. We get better through introspection and vulnerability. You’ve accomplished both here! Keep writing and keep pushing.

    SN: I too have started a blog but have yet to share it with the world. You’ve inspired me to continue writing and start sharing!

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  4. Lynn,
    Thank you for being completely transparent and courageous. I recently made some tough decisions based on this very thing. Definitely sharing this with my friends and looking forward to future posts. Proud of you. GOD BLESS!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I clicked on this not knowing this was your post, until I read the site address and noticed your Instagram name lol. BUT thank you for this!!!!! I just cried (yep like real tears) about this a couple of nights ago. I needed this, thanks for writing this. It almost inspired me to share my story. Idk if I’m ready for that yet though. Love this, Love ya.

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  6. I just read this and this has me thinking about so many things in my life! I am trying to get closer to Christ and your blog has definitely helped me! I absolutely love this and thank you for sharing your story and experiences!

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  7. Lynn that’s a beautiful message baby girl. A lot of women need to read and apply this. By applying these steps to my life I was able to find and marry my king. As soon as I made up my mind to stop looking and leave it to God, God blessed me with the man he saw fit for me. I will forward this message on.

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  8. I hope no one’s put off by a guy commenting but this is one of the greatest things I’ve ever read. No joke. I went to NCCU as well. I’m very impressed and in deep thought after reading this work of art! Keep doing this. I’m forwarding this to my girlfriend. She’ll love this.

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  9. Queen – I appreciate your transparency. This is something that many of us women have experienced, one too many times. I too, just shared some of my experiences. He is SO INTENTIONAL. This is another confirmation from Him to remain focused on Him, and everything else will work out according to His divine plan. God bless you.

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  10. This was awesome Lynn. I used to be like this then I realized my worth and put a halt to all of that and God brought a great man into my life. Now I’m married and being treated like a Queen!!! I am sharing this with all my single friends!! Continue to inspire!!!

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  11. Well said. This is coming from a man that prior to being married, looked forward to a situationship and could smell one from a mile away. A lot of women don’t realize that men and women are wired differently emotionally and a situationship only leaves the woman in pain. The man walks away like nothing ever happened. This phenomenon isn’t right. It is very unfair and we wouldn’t want it to happen to our sisters, cousins, and other women that we care about.
    After we got married, my wife turned to the bible to get some guidance and examined Genesis. She brought to my attention that there is so much there that we miss dealing with relationships and our dependency each other. Your scriptures were on point. The sinful nature of society makes us over look what is so clear in the bible. The man pursues the woman! The man leads the family and takes initiative. We hunt! That is in our nature. Steve Harvey said that as a man we profess, provide, and protect. However we follow through with the three Ps for a woman with standards. You bring something very valuable to the table that we as men don’t really invest in… Intuition. That pain in your gut that tells you that something is wrong. Those standards need to be explained up front and have a time limit set. In the meantime, you miss out on what god has intended for you or you put the guy in the friend zone because God gave you something greater than what you could envision for yourself (at the time you just didn’t know it).
    Girls need to know what you just passed on before they become women. My wife is God’s gift to me! I must say that I have pushed her closer to Christ and she has done the same for me. I end this with the theme of our wedding back in 2014, Mark 10:9 “What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder”.

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      1. Thank you. I’m sure that God will bless me with daughters and from the things that my wife has taught me, girls need a fair amount of support and encouragement to continue to be successful women. I have a younger sister as well and I have had to explain to her that she should take her time because most boys won’t be men until their late 20s and into their early 30s.
        I want to do my part to ensure that our generation and the next pleases God. Pleasing God isn’t the hard part. Living through the adversity that comes with doing the “right thing” versus doing the “popular thing” is the challenge. The devil is working hard out here. Keep spreading the good word. Too many are not brave enough to give their testimony. Even if it changes one life that is enough. I take my hat off to you for putting yourself out there for the betterment of our people.

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  12. As a man I would like to applaud your courage and your transparency. I have been the type of dude that you described. I’ve also been the type of guy to respect the relationship I was in. I have been married and divorced. After my divorce I was fortunate enough to meet someone that I thought would be my next wife. I asked her to marry me. That relationship, unfortunately, became a situationship and came to a semi-bitter end. Having said all of that as I’ve detailed the ups and downs of my situationships and relationships in my journal I realize I’ve had more situationships than relationships. I have a young son and a young daughter. I’ve shared your blog with my daughter and I will be sharing it with my son. My hope is for them to become better and building and maintaining more quality relationships vs. quantifiable situationships.

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    1. Thank you so much!!! And I’m happy that you want to share it with your kids…that’s where it all starts. If we can teach the youth their value early on it will keep them from making a lot of mistakes and experiencing a lot of unnecessary heartbreak. I commend you for being transparent as well! God bless you and your family!

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  13. I am a firm believer of “God always shows up at the right time!” I literally just spoke to my bestfriend 30 minutes before reading this article about being lonely and wanting a boo. You have helped me tremendously after reading this article. Thank you so much for your wisdom and blessings! This was an AWESOME article and I would love to read more!

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  14. Not only did I need to read this I feel like it God’s way of confirming that he has answered my prayers but it’s up to me to listen!!!! Thanks sis, I heard you and I am listening I deserve better!

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  15. Idek how I ended up here, tbh.. I was shopping for hair online, clicked on a link to get some hair & here I was being straight schooled! Lol… My God 🙂
    I needed this & I am so grateful for ‘shepherds after His own heart’ that are obedient to blog things like this because every once in a while – we need a “refreshment”.. I was just about to fall back into the same trap with a guy that got me into some mess before.. Thank you Lord for your signs. & to the writer & everyone else on this post, please be encouraged & may God keep you. Love & blessings my sisters ✌💞

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    1. Many blessings to you my sister! I’m so happy that you were lead this way and that my pops struck a chord with you. I really appreciate your comments and I hope that you continue to choose YOU! ❤️

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  16. God bless you for sharing this post,Lynn.I am just some few minutes away from breaking off from a situationship atm and this just encouraged me to set things straight.I know this will hurt because it’s not going to be easy but I know the same God who directed me to this post will see me through!Im definitely sharing this with the young singles in church!God bless you,Lynn!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your comment! I’m so happy that you were blessed by it! You’re right…it won’t be easy but it will be worth it. I pray that you are encouraged as you move into the next phase of your life. Many blessings to you! ❤️

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